Sunday, February 12, 2006

Since I'm up late, I might as well...

LDiablo really got me thinking in his post that growing old is mandatory but growing up is not.

But first if you're wondering "why the hell is she up at 2 am?" well I'm up late, because DH woke up coughing, choking a little and then puking, about 1 am. I'm pretty sure it was his acid reflux. My guess is the chili with meatloaf and salad on the side for dinner, the 8 beers, and the entire jar of peanuts he snacked on later finally got to him. Sometimes prevacid just isn't enough to keep this thing at bay. Poor thing, I knew something was wrong from his cough and jumped out of bed faster than lightning. DH was amazed later on at how fast I moved. Well shit, I worried that he was choking and as it turns out, when he was coughing while lying down, food was coming out, so he could have choked. So he spent some time puking up, I felt bad for him, like a mom watching her child be sick and not know what to do. DH used to do this once a month sometimes less frequent, for a few years after we got married and I worried. That kind of violent vomiting, hearing how hard it was for him to catch is breath (I'd say "breathe hon, remember to breathe" to help him get through it). Anyway, when someone you love is sick like that, you really worry.

While we're at it, he does take Prevacid but when the GI doc told him he had acid reflux, it was after they did an endoscopy to be sure there was nothing more serious. She prescribed Prevacid and I asked her "is there anything he can do in regards to diet?" I mean I am one of those proactive types who, when there's a medical problem, does research online to help get educated and find out more about it. Well I had read over and over that diet is a big part of it. But this Doc, we'll call her Doc W, looked at me like I was dumb and said "no, he just needs to take the meds". And I told her "I read that changing one's diet and eliminating or merely reducing foods that cause the problem, really helps" and she repeated "no, he just needs to take the meds" . Yeah ok.

She's a good doc but I thought it highly inappropriate for her to just throw Prevacid at him without even the slightest recommendation that he alter his diet.

Now getting back to LDiablo, he's got me thinking about growing up and growing older. I don't want to grow old, because when I do, my parents do, my brother and sister do, my aunt, my grandparents, all the people I love grow old with me. Every year we all grow old, is another year we come closer to death. And I have a problem, I cannot deal with aging and death. I fear my own mortality.

I love my family so much, that it actually hurts to think someday they'll be gone. I mean I feel this empty hole in my heart just thinking about it. I usually think about it when I am lying in bed at night trying to sleep. And what comforts me is when I begin thinking of memories from my youth, growing up with my family, and all the fun times. I have a hard time letting go of the past, although I have to wonder if we are supposed to let it go, I mean our past is part of who we are, why do we have to give it up? I don't live in the past, but I often recall memories of my life and they make me smile. Thinking about my past keeps the people I love young too.

I cannot imagine my life without DH and my family. My folks are married forty years and they are nearing sixty this year, I will be forty in four years. I haven't finished my education, haven't had children, still have debt to pay off, and I think about what I haven't accomplished in my life. I don't know if that sets me off in thoughts of the past or if my thoughts of the past set off my fear of growing old. Some call my fear gerontophobia but that word includes a fear of old people and I'm far from that, I love old people. I tell DH that if we could I would be happy living in a retiremtn community playing shuffleboard with old people. I feel secure, comfortable with them. They can teach us so much, they have a story to tell.

Mom will probably have a fit reading this but don't worry mom I'm ok. I needed to get this out, I need to know I am not alone in my feelings. I know there are thirtysomethings out there at this point in life too, and we must all share the same fears. I know I can't be alone in this...

6 comments:

  1. It's good to know I'm causing someone other than myself to lose sleep at night now. Of course, you can deflect it to your DH anyway.

    Two very different comments:
    1) Acid Reflux - I've suffered that, not to the extent described here, but one attack is all it takes to know how horrible it is.

    My doctor, when first prescribing Prevacid, did actually discuss diet. Said to watch the spicy food, but more importantly, tomato-based foods and products were a biggee. Italian would really kill me.

    In the years since, I've discovered another major contributor. If your DH snores, then it could be related to the snoring. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and started using a CPAP -- basically a mask-like device that keeps air blowing into the nose and mouth so the relaxed throat doesn't collapse when exhaling. I stopped having reflux problems when I started using the machine. BEWARE... if I didn't use the machine, it would come back. Why? I think what happens is the snoring action works like a pump and draws the acid up.

    I know the difficulty breathing part, too. THe acid gets inhaled into the airway and it *burns* and causes the airway to panic. It's an asthma attack caused by reflux.

    2) Growing old: I understand this. I have a starnge fear of dying young. Probably because A. I'm overweight and high-risk for problems, but B. my own father died at 50.

    My father dying was the most life-changing event I've ever had. Prior to that I was always worried about losing someone. It was indeed the most difficult event in my life. But my apprehension for my own demise was reduced somewhat.

    It causes other problems. Not having him around makes me really sad when such happy life events do happen - like my children being born, getting my first deer, etc.

    The whole loss of someone so close, especially a parent, really did change me. I made the spiritual transition from being a kid to an adult. No longer would my 'crutch' be around -- the one guy I could call no matter what and ask for advice, help or money. From that point on, it was like I had to stand up and deal with life, like it or not.

    If only it were that simple. I realize it's not. That deep appreciation for your loved ones is important and I can't solve or explain that. No one can.

    But don't let the fear get you down. I think of that Tim McGraw *shudder that I'm writing that* song about living like you're dying. We all are.

    It was the Epicureans who said "Eat, Drink and Be Merry...for tomorrow you shall die."

    My father died, but he lives on in vivid memory. My son, who was born 3 years after his death, would tell you he knows his grandfather.

    Sorry for the long blathering. Just some thoughts.

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  2. Anonymous2/13/2006

    I think that it is normal to worry about your mortality and the welfare of those that you love. I recently lost both of my grandparents. They were both in their eighties and I was very close to them. It was very hard to say good-bye but the heartache was lessened by the knowledge that I wasn't really saying good-bye but "see ya in a little while". Also, when Paige, my handicapped daughter was a baby, I spent alot of time worrying that she would die. Finally the Lord revealed to me that I couldn't enjoy what I had for fear. In actuality, she belongs to God. He has just entrusted her to my care for a little while. I will enjoy every precious moment we have together and if the Lord takes her home to be with him I will just say "see ya in a little while." In the Bible, Jesus tells a parable about a man who built bigger barns and filled them full. Then he decided to sit back and eat, drink, and be merry. The Lord said, "Thou fool. This night thy life shall be required of thee." It is good to save and prepare for the future, because you don't know what the future holds. However, it is more important to get your life right with God because one day he will call us home. The question is when that day comes will you wake up in heaven or hell? I know that I will be in heaven where I will never grow old and there will be no more tears. I also know Paige will be there and she will be walking and talking. I love this life and I'm not ready to check out anytime soon, but the joys that wait for me in heaven are too great to spend anytime regretting what is left behind here on earth when I go.--Luv ya, ST

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  3. With all that in his stomach, it's no wonder he was vomiting...Yek!

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  4. Isn't that the truth!!!

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  5. It is painful to see your loved ones going through an illness. I think you are right about a change in his diet. I mean, it can't hurt, right?
    Send him some well wishes for me. :)

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  6. Thanks that is so nice of you!!!!

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