LDiablo really got me thinking in his post that growing old is mandatory but growing up is not.
But first if you're wondering "why the hell is she up at 2 am?" well I'm up late, because DH woke up coughing, choking a little and then puking, about 1 am. I'm pretty sure it was his acid reflux. My guess is the chili with meatloaf and salad on the side for dinner, the 8 beers, and the entire jar of peanuts he snacked on later finally got to him. Sometimes prevacid just isn't enough to keep this thing at bay. Poor thing, I knew something was wrong from his cough and jumped out of bed faster than lightning. DH was amazed later on at how fast I moved. Well shit, I worried that he was choking and as it turns out, when he was coughing while lying down, food was coming out, so he could have choked. So he spent some time puking up, I felt bad for him, like a mom watching her child be sick and not know what to do. DH used to do this once a month sometimes less frequent, for a few years after we got married and I worried. That kind of violent vomiting, hearing how hard it was for him to catch is breath (I'd say "breathe hon, remember to breathe" to help him get through it). Anyway, when someone you love is sick like that, you really worry.
While we're at it, he does take Prevacid but when the GI doc told him he had acid reflux, it was after they did an endoscopy to be sure there was nothing more serious. She prescribed Prevacid and I asked her "is there anything he can do in regards to diet?" I mean I am one of those proactive types who, when there's a medical problem, does research online to help get educated and find out more about it. Well I had read over and over that diet is a big part of it. But this Doc, we'll call her Doc W, looked at me like I was dumb and said "no, he just needs to take the meds". And I told her "I read that changing one's diet and eliminating or merely reducing foods that cause the problem, really helps" and she repeated "no, he just needs to take the meds" . Yeah ok.
She's a good doc but I thought it highly inappropriate for her to just throw Prevacid at him without even the slightest recommendation that he alter his diet.
Now getting back to LDiablo, he's got me thinking about growing up and growing older. I don't want to grow old, because when I do, my parents do, my brother and sister do, my aunt, my grandparents, all the people I love grow old with me. Every year we all grow old, is another year we come closer to death. And I have a problem, I cannot deal with aging and death. I fear my own mortality.
I love my family so much, that it actually hurts to think someday they'll be gone. I mean I feel this empty hole in my heart just thinking about it. I usually think about it when I am lying in bed at night trying to sleep. And what comforts me is when I begin thinking of memories from my youth, growing up with my family, and all the fun times. I have a hard time letting go of the past, although I have to wonder if we are supposed to let it go, I mean our past is part of who we are, why do we have to give it up? I don't live in the past, but I often recall memories of my life and they make me smile. Thinking about my past keeps the people I love young too.
I cannot imagine my life without DH and my family. My folks are married forty years and they are nearing sixty this year, I will be forty in four years. I haven't finished my education, haven't had children, still have debt to pay off, and I think about what I haven't accomplished in my life. I don't know if that sets me off in thoughts of the past or if my thoughts of the past set off my fear of growing old. Some call my fear gerontophobia but that word includes a fear of old people and I'm far from that, I love old people. I tell DH that if we could I would be happy living in a retiremtn community playing shuffleboard with old people. I feel secure, comfortable with them. They can teach us so much, they have a story to tell.
Mom will probably have a fit reading this but don't worry mom I'm ok. I needed to get this out, I need to know I am not alone in my feelings. I know there are thirtysomethings out there at this point in life too, and we must all share the same fears. I know I can't be alone in this...