Thursday, April 06, 2006

Sit back for a really long post...

I have been so bad about not reading some of the blogs I normally read. If you read this, my apologies guys and gals, you know I love reading your stuff, I have been so busy, especially with this move. I finally have a laptop to use thanks to a friend and now DH and I can work separately in our own spaces. I haven't been online much at all because I have been busy.

I cannot believe how great this place is we moved into! You know I described the old place to you once and even posted photos but this place beats it. We're on five acres (again!) and it's nothing but trees, oak trees as far as the eye can see, and it's not in the boonies either. I mean we're on a grated road off the main highway (what's that Foxworthy says about "when your address is..turn off the paved road" LOL) and our place is set back in the trees, far enough where people can't see us, but close enough ya know? This place is so quiet although we can hear the traffic of the highway at times, it doesn't bother us. The breeze here is awesome, and I love sitting on one of the two porches just taking it all in.

We moved from less than 500SF to over 1500. We went from a small one bedroom, one bath cottage to a 3BR/2BA 1510 square foot 1999 Fleetwood home. It's got two decks, the front is very large and uncovered and the one on the side is a completely covered deck, it's gorgeous. I have a huge kitchen and that's a big deal coming from where I was before where I had absolutely NO counter space to prepare meals. This place has fourteen windows, big windows too. There are windows in every room, sometimes two. The crossbreeze is magnificent.

I have been working diligently on my research paper, I am up to thirteen pages. The subject needed to be related to our major or career. Well many of you know I'm a history major and would love to work in research someday, or teaching, making documentaries. Oh hell face it, I would love to be a talk radio host or own my own cafe...and that has nothing to do with history. But anyway I love history andI love to learn so this is my thing. Well my paper is on Holocaust Revisionism. At first I was going to talk about how it affects Western Civ but then as I am writing I am beginning to focus more on how it affects the American free society. If you read up on the Holocaust you will find that post WWII most folks did not tolerate Jew bashing. But in recent years, with many organizations like the ACLU pushing free speech, you find more and more people participating in Jew bashing. Why? Because they can.

The Constitution protects free speech, unfortunately you can't mandate common sense and responsibility. You know how many people in the South get tired of hearing about slavery and reparations? They are so tired of having it thrown down their throats that they begin thinking and saying things that could be taken as racist? I don't think they mean it but they get tired of being blamed for something they didn't have a part in. Well many people feel the same way about the Holocaust, they get tired of hearing how those poor Jews had it so rough. I'm serious...after awhile they too begin to get tired of Jews and they have less and less sympathy and more and more apathy. After a while they don't give a damn anymore.

And this is exactly how something like mass genocide of one particular group of people happens. Apathy. People get tired of hearing about it, they don't care anymore and those who want to commit genocide can begin doing it slowly under the eyes and ears of everyone else because well, who is paying any attention?

People have hated Jews from the beginning of time. They have been persecuted because their culture, beliefs and customs seem strange. People fear what they don't understand. It's easy to blame the Jews. Hell in America Jews are blamed for controlling the banking industry, the media, and just about everything else. If people in America become apathetic enough, you'll have another Holocaust on your hands. And when "they" are done with the Jews, it'll be some other group.

Ok on to something a bit more my crazy dreams... last night I had weird dreams, but I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary, watch any scary movies, they just happened this way...

Apparently I was in Vietnam and serving with a group of other folks. And somehow one of our buddies died and the group didn't do enough to save him so one after the other, they all died. I was running and Tom Selleck was with me, and there was this other guy there and we were trying to escape. And this person who died kept coming after us but for some reason not me. It turns out I did something to help him before he died. And in the dream months had passed and I wasn't afraid anymore. It was weird, it was like at every turn I feard for my life. Because that person could come back and kill me at any time. I don't remember if this next dream was a part of the firs tdream or separate but I remember that there were land mines and I had to go across this field and not step on a mine and I was worried that if I did, I wouldn't die, that I would have to suffer for the rest of my life. That meant more than dying. I tread that ground very carefully and was scard to death I step on a mine.

BTW I have NO idea why Tom Selleck was hanging out with me in that other dream, but you know I AM cool so maybe that was it.

Another dream I had last night was I was out late and staying at Susan and Robert's house, it's not the house they live in nor or that little house they used to live in, it was a house I'd never seen and I know they never lived in. Anyway, Robert's brother Ronald was there at the house too, I have no idea why, but he was sleeping. I guess it must have been the night all of us parked it at Susan and Robert's LOL. I slept on the couch and the next morning Susan and I were going somewhere and I told her I needed a teapot. OMG a TEAPOT? She and I were looking at these shelves and I don't know where we were, still in her house maybe? And she showed me the ugliest teapot on sale and wanted me to buy that.

Susan what were you thinking girl? That thing was BUTT-UGLY! LOL

Anyway, I really enjoyed hanging out with you and Robert and Ronald in the dream, we all had a good time and for ONCE I wasn't arguing with Robert and Ronald about something political.

That dream made me miss you guys, Ronald and Richard and Brian too, you're all good guys, wouldn't it be great to just sit around and talk and have fun? We have so much more in common as we got older than when we were younger. We're all so smart and so opinionated LOL. Maybe I've been thinking about you guys and that's why I had the dream.

Ok so in that same dream I was in a grocery store and I ran into this guy I used to work with, actually he was third in charge. In the dream his leg is broke and we're standing there talking and his wife, who I also know, drove up in a car, and she looked different. I gave him a hug, he got in the car and drove away. He was one of the bosses, always nice to me, if you ever had anyone you wanted to work for, it was him. He went to another University to work and then came back here a few years ago. In the dream my thoughts were "it was really nice to see him"

Ok so what's this three or four dreams last night? It's so weird. I just jumped from one to another. Anyone want to venture to guess what it was all about? I can't explain the dream where I was fighting in Vietnam or the dream about the land mines or running from that person who was coming back from the dead to kill us all.

Maybe the dream about Susan, Robert and Ronald was me trying to reconnect. At 36, I have to say I have few real friends. It's not that I'm not nice, friendly or likeable, it's just that I find that around most people I can't be "me" because I find myself greatly flawed and afraid for people to see it. I'm always worried someone's judging my physical self and my personality. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, maybe I'm not smart enough, maybe I'm just not as great as everyone thinks I am. My mom brags about me a lot and I am always afraid I won't live up to it if the people who she knows meet me. I am working so hard to just be me but I spent so much time not being me that it's hard ya know? When I walk up to you and we greet and hug I don't want to feel like you are judging me. Why do you think that as much as I love to be around people, I can't? I can't handle large groups of people because I always fear they are looking at me and judging me. I tried to present my paper in class the other night and thank God we were sitting at our desks doing it but when I tried to do it, i stammered and couldn't get my thoughts out. For someone so intelligent, I sure screwed that one up.

Maybe that's why I'd be a perfect radio talk show host, because all the eyes are in the form of ears and I don't have to worry about anyone judging me.

But what are they judging? That I gained weight from a few years ago? That I haven't finished my education and I am almost forty? That I have no kids? WHAT IS IT? Why do I feel people will judge me? And what is it they are judging?

Let me tell you about the friends I have, they are wonderful people.

Susan and I (and SUsan's husband Robert) went to high school together. She was smart and made excellent grades, I was smart but was average student because I couldn't handle the peer pressure well, had problems at home getting along with my mother, and overall I hated the people I went to school with save a few folks I liked. I wasn't popular, had a hard time overcoming some trouble I'd gotten myself into. Those people have probably forgotten it, but I haven't. Susan and I reconnected a few years after high school, she and Robert were living in that little bitty house saving up for a big one and they had their kids and life for them was good. I always enjoyed spending time with them. We'd always gotten along but I can't say we were friends. Now we are. We always remembered each other at Christmas and when I invited Susan to my blog, it was because she has become a dear friend to me, I love her so. She and Robert are good people, smart, hardworking, dedicated parents, and overall good people. The kind of people I want in my corner.

Gina and I met when her husband and I were stationed together in the Coast Guard many moons ago. He and I got along great and Gina and I became instant friends. We shopped together, layed out in the sun together, talked about our lives, our hopes and dreams, she was a great friend.She was there for me when things were rough and I lived with she and her husband a short time when I got out. He was an awesome guy and he really doted on her and why not? She was a pretty, smart and determined woman. They weren't married that long back then and today they are still married and have a son! Gina and I used to write letters back and forth, it's been awhile but I bet you thinks of me too. We had so much in common and in many ways she was insecure about the same things I was. Weird though because back then neither of us had anything to be insecure about. I think it was our age, we were in our twenties, everything is different at that age.

Debbie and I have known each other since 1996. Actually I worked for her, she was my boss, and we worked well together. As it turns out, our abilities in the workplace were somewhat opposite and it meshed quite well. She is a "big picture" and "idea" person and I was the detail person. We worked this summer camp program each year for what--three years? In the first year we worked together, I had NO clue how to approach this but with a few ideas from her, I was able to run with it. After that I think I planned the last two almost entirely by myself. I know how to put together a program, how to find information, logistics are my game. We worked toegether perfectly. She needed organization because she had so much going on and I was able to provide that. Because we worked for a real bitch, we both left that place, she moved on to somethign better and me too. But we're still friends to this day and meet for lunch once a week, she loves my family, they love her, she is an awesome person and has seen me through some of the lowest points of my life. I cannot tell you how much I adore her, without her I wouldn't be where I am right now, she encouraged me, made me see the light many times, and was always there for me no matter what. She's a few years older than me but you wouldn't know it, it's like we're sisters. We even got married a week apart LOL. I have an immense amount of respect for her, she is one of the nicest, smartest, most determined women I have ever known.

Connie is awesome. I met her when she worked in a hair salon back in 1994. It was next door to my gym and I needed a haircut, walked in and saw her nameplate and asked her if she was related to this guy I knew at work. Turns out she was married (then) to his brother. Her brother and I were good friends and now I became friends with her. Used to go to her house on Tuesdays after work to hang out. She took me to antique shops, we talked a lot, she really was there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. LIke Deb, Connie is a few years older but again you wouldn't know it becuase she's more like my sister. She is trustworthy, honest, sweet, and so smart. She now owns her own salon and I am so proud of her. She has been through a lot in her life and she has become just an awesome friend to me, we've been out of touch a few years even though we live in the same town, I miss her so. She is the kind of person who keeps her word and you can count on her any time of the day or night to be there for you.

Val is my age and also like a sister. You can see I don't take friendship lightly eh? Val and I used to work together, and she had awonderful husband and they moved away when he got his degree. They have lived all over since he's in the military again and I have watched their two children grow in pictures over the years. I haven't seen her sinec they left here, but my goodness her children are growing. They are in Virginia now and I miss them. Val is like me with details. You could give her just a few notes and say "hey plan this" and she could make it into magic for you. She is the kind of woman who should own her own business. She is creative, idealistic and determined. She's a beautiful nice, remarkable person who has also been through share of crap in life and yet you wouldn't know it because it doesn't affect how she treats others or her family. She is genuine, I mean genuine and what you see is what you get.

I met Diana at work. Ok LOL you know how we met? We were eating lunch together with a group of others in the breakroom and they were talking about sexual harassment and I blurted out in my usual funny tone "I wish someone would sexually harass me" and well we became fast friends. Diana is just two or three years older than me. She's married with TWO kids now! I can't believe her oldest is what -- ten now? I remember we used to walk almost every day after work, I remember when she was pregnant, I remember going to her house and watching that crazy cat of hers named "Peter the cat", no it wasn't just "Peter" or "Kitty" it was "Peter the cat" crazy black cat was something. Diana and I went to the Billy Joel concert together and had a BLAST. Yeah two old women like us singing to that old seventies stuff. It was awesome. I talk to her via email occasionally and yeah like Deb and Connie, Diana lives in the same town. Why don't I see her? Well being married with two kids makes her very busy. She's a smart lady too, if you ever wanted someone to run your business it would be her! And without a doubt she has a crazy sense of humr, which is obvious, it brought us together.

Mike and I have known each other some 15 years now. We used to work together, he was a good looking, clean cut, athletic frat boy who was a year older than me. I had a crush on him, we became friends and then he told me he was gay. Didn't matter, he was an awesome friend. He saw me through some of the worst parts of my life. We were roommates in Tampa, he helped me find my own place, saw to my care after my car wreck, and we went everywhere together. Honestly we spent more time together going out to eat, on vacations, and to nightclubs dancing the night away, more than either of us spent with any other guy. You could say we were soul mates in a sense. People thought we were a perfect couple, used to think we were dating and would say "you guys look great together" and I remember he used to enjoy that, he liked being around me, and I around him. We really had fun too. We spent I don't know HOW MANY NIGHTS dancing at nightclubs in Ybor City and then going out to eat afterwards. We spent his birthday partying in Key West, we attended a high school friend's wedding together, we traveled to New Orleans together, left Tampa one Friday after work and drove straight there, drank and partied and drove home Saturday night! Also we spent two weeks in Utah over Christmas and New Year's. We drove all over Utah, it was so memorable, it was just us, lots of snow, wild animals and God's country. It remains one of the most memorable times of my life. I haven't seen Mike in eyars, he lives in DC and has really done well. He's very educated, very intelligent, an awesome personality, and so honest. His life wasn't easy but you know what? You'd never know. He has come through it all with such perserverance and determination. I have an immense amount of respect for him, and for how he carries himself. I judge Mike on what kind of PERSON he is, his being gay doesn't even play into it. Why would it? He will remain one of the best friends I will ever have in this life. And he's another one, if you wanted someone to manage your Fortune 500 company you would want him. Need brains? He's got it. Need common sense? He's got it. Need a problem solver, a thinker, a doer? He's it. God I miss him. You know we both used to love watching the Golden Girls and we swore that if we got old and gray and nobody was around to care for us, we'd move in together with a bunch of our other old and gray friends and live just like Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia. And you know what? IT would be a blast!

Anyway, like I said I don't have too many friends. I guess the reason is I take friendship seriously and even though I haven't seen some of my close friends here in awhile, they are still dear to me because they have a little piece of me, each one of them does. It's a piece I'm just unwilling to give up to the average person, only to those who are really special and unique in my life. I've had friends, casual friends who came in and out of my life but no matter what has ever happened to me, these close friends of mine were always there.

And so to Susan, Deb, Connie, Gina, Mike, Diana and Val, I love you guys, you all have a special place in my heart!

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous4/09/2006

    I'm glad you like your new place and I'm really glad to be listed in your hall of friends! You shouldn't worry about what anyone thinks of you. You are smart, pretty, fun to be around and a wonderful friend to have. Next time you dream about us, bring Tom Sellek along. You know he is a member of the NRA, don't you. As far as the teapot goes, I don't have one. I guess I was just desperate;)--ST