Monday, May 15, 2006

Can't get it together today...

I didn't sleep well last night, kept thinking about papaw and getting upset. I finally got to sleep but it wasn't a restful sleep.

Sis and grams (that'd be mom's mother) drove up to Kennesaw to see the family today. I am sure mamaw (that's dad's mother) and the family will be happy to see grams, they haven't seen her in over 20 years. The funeral service is Wednesday at 11 a.m. I have been going back and forth about whether I can go for several reasons. One is because I let sadness overwhelm me and I tend to fall into a deep funk that I can't get out of. The second thing is that I am taking two classes this term, and one of them is Algebra in summer A. Anyone who has ever taken a summer A course knows it's the short term--only 6 weeks. My class was 530-845 p.m. twice a week. Missing one class in summer A term is equivalent of missing five regular class periods in the regular term! I'd be too far behind. I hate algebra anyway, I might just say to heck that course and stick with the Art History which I am taking in Summer C. It's an online course and so I don't have to drive to class.

It's strange...I hate funerals and I love them. I hate them because they make me sad, I love them because in my Georgia family, the only time the entire family comes out of the woodwork is at funerals. The last funeral I was at up there was in 2000. It was an amazing experience. With all that sorrow, we actually did have some laughs and fond remembrances of days gone by. There were family members I hadn't seen in over 20 years who last saw me when I was just a kid. We all ate, we laughed, we cried, and we laughed some more. Sometimes we showed no emotion at all. Funerals can be weird like that, ya know? They bring out all sorts of emotions in people.

Now papaw would probably laugh at this but I have nothing to wear to a funeral. My really nice expensive long black dress with long sleeved white shirt which was unoficially dubbed my official funeral attire awhile back after I wore it to a few services and it just is too small for me. It's another wardrobe casualty - courtesy of that wonderful weight one gains after getting married. I dont' understand how my friend Susan stays as thin as she was in high school. Me? I had to always work out all the time to look good. I had to keep at it and then when DH came along I stopped. Anyway that black dress stays packed away because someday I know I will fit into it, I just hope it's not in time for another funeral.

Here we are all worried about classes and trips to Georgia and missing college classes and I think papaw would be laughing at the fuss being made over him. He never liked being made a fuss of rather he liked doing things for other people and making a fuss over them. He'd do that every time I visited the family up there. You know what he'd do for me? Every time I was up there visiting the family and was preparing to head home which was usually on a Sunday morning, he'd check the fluids in my car to make sure it was ready to go for the 4 1/2 hour trip back home. He'd also windex the windshields. And oh yeah, papaw would call me over to him in that quiet raspy voice of his and he'd hand me a perfectly folded $20 bill for gas for the trip home. Now I never asked him for any money, I always had plenty for my trips but papaw wasn't the kind of man you turned down when he wanted to do something nice for you. And so I'd take it and smile, say thanks and give him a great big hug. That's the kind of thing he lived for, just seeing his kids and grandkids happy.

There's something funny too I have to add here because I just happened to think about it. My youngest cousin and I were talking about it yesterday. When she was just a little girl, she'd sit on papaw's lap and play with his pocketwatch, which he wore faithfully every day tucked inside his overalls. That was nearly 25 years ago.

Not too long ago that same cousin's baby girl was sitting in papaw's lap and what did she do?

She reached for papaw's pocket watch.

Oh what a joy that must have been for him!


  1. Anonymous5/15/2006

    You know Jess, it's the little things like playing with a watch down through the generations that touch are hearts and stir a common cord. Some things never change. As far as going, I think it is just a choice you have to make. You may regret it if you don't go, but it would be perfectly acceptable if you don't. It is really tough to miss class. Logan is taking French I and II this summer.

    I also know what you mean about funerals being a good time for family to come together and remember the past. When my papa died my sister, cousin, and I did things together that we hadn't done since we were children, like climbing in the sink hole on his property. It still seems odd not to have him around, but I know I'll see him again.

    Funny about the funeral dress. Why is it we always have a dress designated for funerals? As far as staying thin, I think I just got a lucky break with my genes. It's the only good thing my dad ever gave me. LOL!


  2. Please don't worry about what to wear to Grampa's funeral. It's not a staunch rule anymore to wear black. I don't think Grampa would want that, I think he would want you to be comfortable. The important thing would be to be there for the family. Gramps knew you loved him. And don't you know that funerals are for the living, not the deceased? That's why in the Jewish tradition, the deceased is buried the next day, to help the family heal and get back to their lives. It's very difficult to know that your loved one who has passed over, has been placed in a casket to be viewed for three days. I don;t know how people do it. It's hard enough losing them, but seeing them laying there makes it all the worse.
    But then, that's only my opinion.