Back in January I came to realize I wasn't really the person I wanted to be. I guess I wasn't overly thrilled with my life. I think I got so caught up in trying to point out other people's faults, I neglected to see my own, which like any human being, are many. I really wasn't sure how to make the changes but I figured that if I prayed, if I talked to friends and family and told them of this burden, maybe they could help point me in the right direction. Now it didn't happen overnight but it did begin and it's still going. Finally after many years, I think I'm moving in the right direction.
I've been walking lately, it's been really good for me. I never am able to fit exercise into the evening so decided to go back to my old routine of walking in the mornings. Several years ago I lived back home with mom and dad. I'd get up at about 4 am and go walking with my headphones tuned into Art Bell's overnight talk radio program. I'd walk about 45 minutes and feel great. Afterwards I'd have breakfast, usually a yogurt and a banana then I'd shower, dress and head off to work feeling rejuvenated. Well lately I've been getting up at 4 am and out the door in ten minutes. On Tuesday I walked 4-4:45, Wednesday was 4:10-4:40 and today it was 4:10 -5:05. Not bad eh?
I'm also watching what I eat. I joined Weight Watchers online and Deb and I meet every Tuesday for lunch and discuss our progress. We decided we would be our own WW meeting and at least we could journal our progress online and track our eating and exercise to get a better hold on things. My problem area still seems to be dinner/snacks. I used to use the WW point system and ate a lot of low point items and was full during the day, but it seems I'm still eating some high point items I might have to let go. For instance I don't eat Yoplait anymore since I found something in it one time. But we eat Breyer's 98.5% fat free yogurt but it is five points. I could go with something better for half that. But I enjoy Breyers and it's what I buy for DH and me. I can switch though at least for me. See this just comes down to buying what's healthier. And another thing, I can't keep ice cream in the house.....because I have a bowl and not a simple 1/2 cup and that's dangerous. I used to think it was better to keep a certain food out of the house but I don't think so. That's because the only way to overcome something is to meet it head on and learn to incorporate the change into your everyday life. I will at some point in my life have ice cream in the house, so I have to learn to have just 1/2 cup and not a bowl which is probably more like 2 cups. Let's just say this week my eating was--well on a scale from 1-10 with 1 being it sucked and 10 being the most healthy, I was about a 6. I could be better, I used all my extra points. The tracker starts over Monday and I know I can do better.
I'm still in school, in the evenings of course. I took a great Art History course this summer and have but one test left and I have completed the study guide so I await the test on August 14th. I have been able to take the course via Open Campus which means that it is Web CT based, in that we have a textbook we read, but all discussions, quizzes and tests are online. Also, we upload our term papers and assignments to WebCT for the instructor to download and grade. It works out great. I always enjoy in-class interaction but it saved me gas this term not to have to be present in the classroom! I'm registered for two more courses in the Fall which are Sociology and Biology, both of which I will enjoy. Six hours is a lot, and I thought of doing one via Open Campus and one in the classroom but I decided that I could manage my time doing them both from home. It will be a lot of work. DH has his class Monday and Wednesday night 630-930 so during that time I will have quiet uninterrupted time to work on my studies. Not that he bothers me, he never does, but I won't distract myself by wanting to talk to him. I have my schedule laid out and at 6 hours per term I still won't finish this till Summer or Fall 2008. What a bummer. But every semester I take just one or two courses is still farther ahead than if I had done nothing at all, right?
I had posted Monday about my doctor's appointment but something happened, I suppose it was another random blogger "fritz" and while making a change to my post, it just disappeared. I will say that last Friday I went to the doc for my annual physical and believe it or not except for the weight I need to lose and the mild depression it seems I was in, I am healthy as a horse. No cancers, no high blood pressure, no diabetes, no heart problems, no joint problems or arthritis or anything. I am for the most part, a healthy person. So why did I hurt all the time? The way it was described to me is think of a bowl in your brain, and that bowl is constantly being filled with serotonin so your body can dip into the bowl when it needs it. Well suddenly the body goes into overdrive and takes more and more and isn't replenishing fast enough. I was always in pain because my body was just not able to repair itself. This week though, with the help of medication, I really do feel better. I was against taking anything at first because 1) I thought it would exude a personality that wasn't me and 2) I was afraid of having to use it for the rest of my life. But I do know now that I am the same person I was before only in less pain and much more energetic, positive and happier and I actually look forward to the day instead of dreading it. When DH and I argue, instead of crying because I don't know what else to do, I stand up and face the argument head on. I no longer feel worthless and hopeless, I actually feel like I can be my old self now. My hope is that as I lose the weight, my hormones will return to normal, my body can regulate it's own production of serotonin and I won't need the medication. But for now, it is helping me heal myself and I am eating right, exercising and looking at life through positive eyes and that is such a great start.
I realized something too. Why are so many people on medication or feeling stressed? Well, many people these days take on way more than they can handle. This multitasking thing is crap. When you come into contact with someone who resonates pride because he or she can multitask, I suggest turning around and walking in the other direction. Most multitaskers are under stress and I'm sorry but there is no way your brain can function efficiently doing five things at once. And when you do attempt five things at once (as I sometimes do), you can't do them efficiently. I have lost my ability to listen (not "hear" but "listen") because of this. I am regaining that. I will hear DH but am I listening? No. I am busy doing too many other things at the same time. I don't like that, I have to learn to pay attention again and do one thing at a time. I was so much better off that way.
I heard something the other day that makes total and complete sense. We are working to always raise our tolerance to stress so we can handle more and more right? We should be doing the opposite. We should be lowering our tolerance to stress so that we know when to step back and take a breath. If we continue to try and raise our tolerance we only take on more and more crap, which causes more stress, and ultimately the human mind and body can only handle so much until it finally cracks.
So now I am working to lower my tolerance therefore I will know when I have to put on the brakes and say "WOAH!". I'm not going to try and live anyone's life for them anymore nor am I going to try and control things I have no control over. I am not going to fret over "what might happen" till it happens and I am not going to panic. Yeah I know, easier said than done right? It can be done. Also, I am going to try not to obsess so much with certain little things in my life like my grades. I am obsessed with making A's because I have been doing it consistently nowand I got into the mode that anything less in unacceptable. Well a B+ and B is acceptable, in fact I earned a "B" in my Astronomy a few semesters ago and it was a well-earned "B" because that course was a tough one. I was proud of it. I just have to learn to do my best and I will be assigned the grade I have earned from that hard work.
The way I see it, we are only given a certain finite period of time to live on earth and then we are gone forever. There's a reason we are all here, ALL of us have a purpose. I am not sure what mine is, but I would much rather be in the driver's seat experiencing it than just a passenger. I haven't gotten to the point where I am in complete control but I am getting there one step at a time. :)