Sunday, August 06, 2006

The"B" in "B" movies stands for "bad"...

First off, I used to think the Sci-Fi channel was as they say "all that" but I gotta tell ya that it's been years, many years since I have seen a decent worthwhile movie on that channel. Frankly I call it the "hokey channel" because everything is so stupid it's ridiculous. I think they should have to air a warning before the movie airs, something lik:

"Warning! Really shitty movie ahead, if you watch it then you're just as much a moron as the people who starred in it, produced, directed and financed it"

Yeah Sci-Fi is supposed to be somewhat on the unbelievable side but the SF channel goes to the extreme. It's not just unbelievable, it's unbelievably stupid. It's worse than the strings that kept the starship enterprise floating in the old Star Trek series.

Last night there was just nothing on television and so I was forced to watch a movie on Sci-Fi called "The Black Hole". No it wasn't the awesome blockbuster from the 80's, it was a new 2006 movie with Judd Nelson and Kristy Swanson. Ok those two names should have done it for me but I thought "hey maybe Judd might be pretty good?" I was so wrong!

Now in all honesty, no one physically forced me to watch this, but you know how you just can't turn your head away from a train wreck? Well that's the same feeling I had with this movie. It sucked but I couldn't turn away.

The premise was that some nuclear experiment in some lab in St. Louis created a black hole and there was this electrical "entity" that had something to do with it. They had to get rid of the entity to get rid of the black hole that was swallowing the midwest, starting with St. Louis. Yeah it was more complicated than that, and Judd's character explained it in the movie but I couldn't follow. I mean there's just something wrong with the Breakfast Club's Judd Nelson explaining tears in the time space fabric. If they thought giving him wild hair, nerdy glasses and facial hair made him look like a nuclear scientist they were sadly mistaken.

The movie was "B" at best ("B" meaning BAD) until that moment they brought the military people into it. Then it just got worse.

What was the military's solution to this black hole?

Drop a nuclear bomb into it.

Yeah no surprise there.

And then as if it couldn't get worse, this team of special forces was sent to this sub station to try and trap the entity (who was attracted to high amounts of electricity) in this magnetic coil box so they could send it back through the tear in the time space fabric. These special forces armed themselves with automatic weapons (I know I know I was laughing too) and they were acting as if they were doing military maneuvers, rolling on the ground, hiding behind buildings with their little auto weapons peeking out. They even tried shooting at it. And the whole time I'm like "uh HELLO WTF are you shooting at?" cause there's nothing THERE!!!

As usual in the end, the star/hero saved the world and all was well. And as usual I beat my head against the wall for being sucked into another really shitty Sci-Fi movie.

But it made my morning today when I got an email from dad bitching about the guys with the automatic weapons too. That was the best part of all this because it just goes to show that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.


  1. I laughed so hard at this post. Sometimes I watch the Sci-Fi channels movies just for a laugh.

  2. I would rather think of it as "the nut doesn't fall far from the oak tree" in this instance haha.
    OK, bad joke,but I had to get it out.

    Actually your dad decided to come into my office after he emailed you and share this movie with me by giving me a frame by frame description. At the time I was watching "Bloodline: Hellraiser 20, or whichever number it is by now. You know I love these movies, I'm just a die-hard horror fan. But I've learned to NOT watch any of the movies on Sci-Fi anymore because they only get worse with time. Remember back when they first began advertising for Sci-Fi, it wasn't even on yet and they were showing clips from all the great shows that were going to be aired, like Twilight Zone, Outer Limits (the original), Star Trek, Night Gallery, etc....We couldn't wait until the day came when we could once again watch these great old shows. Now THEY were good! OK, so Sci-Fi began it's airing of these shows, then very quickly added movies as well, and THEN they took the plunge and decided to start producing their own sci-fi originals. From then on, it only got worse. Now, practically the only time I watch it is on Labor Day, or some other holiday when they run a TZ marathon.

  3. Yeah I agree, the only time I'll be watching is for the TZ marathon. Everything else on it stinks!

  4. I actually am a sci-fi nut and used to be hooked into this channel back in the days of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Don't really watch this channel anymore.

  5. I feel your pain. Sometimes you stick around because the movie simply MUST get better, MUST have some redeeming qualities, RIGHT?