Tuesday, September 26, 2006

The "all or nothing" husband...

I am married to a man who doesn't completely grasp the understanding of the word "compromise". In many cases, it's either all his way or nothing at all. It seems like most times we debate something, it's got to be his way. The debate I refer to has nothing to do with politics, it's just stuff going on in our lives. Doesn't he realize "all or nothing" doesn't work in today's world? Everything isn't black or white, there is much gray.

Take our Dish Network for instance, it's $42 per month for 120 channels. We've been debating turning it off for awhile now because we only watch half a dozen channels so why keep it? The conversation goes like this:

DH: What do you think about us cutting off the satellite?

Me: Well, I guess we could, why not just cut it down to half and see if we like that?

DH: No, we're either keeping it the way it is or cutting it off completely.

Then there's this issue--DH wants to take me back to "Hobby Lobby" in Ocala because it's such a great store to buy craft stuff. We've been there once, he got a ton of model cars, it's really an awesome store. I want to go but only if we pay cash and only when I have decided what I want. I want to do some crafts for Christmas but not sure yet and it's a bit early for me. So I figure while I am deciding I can put away about $150 for my stuff. Now the thing is that we just dropped a well-spent $675 on getting our front brakes done and getting the 60,000 mile service on our car. That came out of our savings. Before we go to Hobby Lobby I would like to save up another $150, is that a big deal?

Apparently so, now DH says we're not going and in addition we're not buying anything we don't need.

See, we have a wants list and a needs list. The wants list consists of a welder, two recliners, and a few other things. He was willing to put off the welder in favor of the recliners, we were going to get one recliner at a time. Well the other day I stop into a nice furniture store with a buy one get one free deal on Lane recliners. The one I want is $699 but we get the same one free. I said to DH "let's save up the $700 or so we'll need for it then we'll get it" and now he's like "forget it, we're not buying anything"

There have been times where he'd want to go out to eat. Well we used to go all the time, I got tired of it (I mean how many times can you go to the Texas Roadhouse before it gets b-o-r-i-n-g?) and so I'd say "well why don't we go next week or the week after?" (sometimes I hated spending that money every weekend and sometimes I just didn't want to go) and he'd be like "Just forget it, we're not going anymore" and he'd get in a huff. Well of course we've been out to eat since then but still it's so annoying to hear that.

The other day I told him we're not working just to pay bills and pay off our credit card, sometimes you have to have some fun. Now trust me--that is unusual coming from me, usually HE is the one saying that. It's usually DH who always wants to go places and I never want to go (I never have the time and hated spending the money). He's never denied me ANYTHING and in fact used to push me to buy myself something every now and then. The thing is I really don't want anything most of the time. And I know for a fact he isn't acting this way because he doesn't want me to have the things I want (he'd give me anything I wanted if he could), I think it's about him wanting to do things on his terms.

Life doesn't work that way. Like the song goes, "You can't always get what you want."

I find that our marriage is sometimes a power struggle. Now in a power struggle someone has to give. I'm willing to give in at times because it's my nature to compromise but as I've gotten older it's become my nature to stand up for what I want too. And so DH is like that too and so sometimes our marriage is much like oil and water. Eventually though we wind up compromising in some way but see it always happens after we argue about it.

DH is not a bad guy, but he has these quirks that occasionally drive me insane (I am sure I drive him insane at times too but this is my blog and so I get to complain here!).

And so he is what I affectionately label the "all or nothing" husband.

Oy vey.


  1. Let's see.......I know I put that bullet somewhere.......

  2. I'm sorry, I was just kidding :-) He has a lot of good in him.

  3. I've had this exact same conversation with my wife, only her idea of compromise is that we do what she wants or we do nothing. When I compromise it doesn't count, apparently. Also, when I work around the house it doesn't count. Pretty much everything I do doesn't get counted. Uh oh, now I'm complaining and this isn't my blog. OK, I'll stop now.

  4. We all have our flaws that our lovers must accept...