Monday, October 16, 2006

SURE I'm from a normal family...

I was telling a friend today "my family is as dysfunctional as the next" and the reply was "no way you seem so normal"

Really? Me?

I wanted to say "uh excuse me do you know my family? Oh hell no you don't! LOL"

I should invite this person over for a family dinner sometime and she will depart a bit more demented than when she arrived. Ask Deb, Lana & Jerry, Dana, Sullivan, Annie, Renee, and Liz, yes these are friends of our family who, over the years, at one time or another have been to our house for family get togethers. They came in thinking "hey this will be fun" and left thinking "my God what just just happened here?"

No, it's not a bad thing, it's really like an episode of "Everybody loves Raymond" or "All in the Family"

People look shocked when I tell them my parents are from opposite sides of the Mason-Dixon line (does anyone even use that term anymore?) and I say "yes it's true" and they feel sorry for me, but I'm not sure which side they pity, the "yankee" or the "rebel" LOL. I just say hey my mom and dad might be from the north and south but I am from Florida and Florida is NOT the South, it's basically the melting pot for rejects from other states. So I don't consider myself a southerner. Come on, everyone knows Florida is NOT the South! I don't care how much the locals use the words "Ain't" and Ya'll".

I come from an interesting family. My mother is from Brooklyn, she's Jewish. Yes you heard that right, she lives in redneckville, Florida and is from Brooklyn AND she's Jewish. In fact she's from the same part of Brooklyn as Barbra, Barry and Neil. You good Jews out there will know who they are. :)

Mom's mother is affectionately known to all of us as grams and to the little kids in the elementary school where she used to volunteer well they call her "Miss May". And speaking of that, one time I was in Wally World with grams and some little kids came over hugging her leg shouting "Miss May, Miss May" and I was thinking "ok you little slobberboxes get your hands off my gramma!!"

Anyway, I digress. Grams was born Catholic to Italian parents, but married the son of Orthodox Jews and converted to Judaism when my mom's older sister got married. (Did you catch all that?) People will ask "oh so you're mom's Jewish, so her mother is Jewish right?" I mean as far as most people know, the Jewish heritage passes through the mother. And then I'm like "well-uh yes and no, see she wasn't actually born Jewish." Then I wind up going into the whole conversion story and afterwards the person I'm talking to is even more confused so I just say "yeah my grandmother is Jewish" and leave it at that. Cause even at times I don't get it.

I've actually been asked "hey does your mom get into all those strange customs, you know all that weird Jewish stuff?"

Strange customs? Jewish stuff?

Like what? Matzoball soup? Gefilte fish? Mogen David wine? Oh yes, have you ever actually tasted Mogen David wine? Gefilte fish? Don't tell my family cause they love this stuff but gefilte fish is nasty!!! But we do it anyway at Passover each year because that's just the way it is. The important thing isn't the food, it's understanding the reason behind the celebration. And oh yes I am quite versed on Passover, everything I know about it, I learned from the movie "The Ten Commandments". Can you believe I was twenty-two years old before I realized that Charlton Heston wasn't really Moses.

Now my dad, he's from the south, actually a small civil war town--Kennesaw, which is just north of Atlanta. He comes from a Christian family, no Catholics and nobody's converted to Judaism, so no great religious stories there. Unless you count the time I was a kid visiting my Georgia family for the summer and went to church with my cousins and the pastor asked (as he did every Sunday) "Do we have any guests with us today?" and my cousins made me raise my hand so I could win a free pineapple. And I never even got to eat it!

Oh and get this. People from up north have actually asked me if my Georgia family ever owned slaves. "Oh your dad's from Georgia, did his family own slaves?"

Oh yeah, sure, thanks to my wealthy tobacco and cotton farming slave owning ancestors, we now live on a huge 10,000 acre plantation and all us girls wear big frilly dresses and prance around exclaiming "fiddle dee dee".

Yeah of course and I'm just working for a living because I want to get an idea of what life is like for the "little people" .


Where do northern folks get the idea that all people from the south owned slaves? And they also think my dad is a redneck. My father is not nor has he ever been a redneck. That's reserved for a very special breed of southern folks, usually those whose family tree doesn't completely fork (I'm sure I'll be flogged for that but it's meant to be tongue-in-cheek!) Usually when my northern friends think of rednecks they think of Deliverance. Not quite, because one thing Deliverance was missing was NASCAR.....then it would have been perfect. .


  1. STOP IT!!! I now have black streaks running down my face and I look like Gene Simmons!!!!!

  2. Anonymous10/17/2006

    Florida IS the south. Miami is so far south it is considered North. Also we are thinking of sending missionaries to Alachua County because they have been invaded by the liberals from the north side of the Mason Dixon line;)--ST

  3. Anonymous10/17/2006

    With the exception of South Florida and Gainesville, Florida is Southern. Have you listened to the way I sound when I talk. That's not a yankee drawl. We will adopt you if you want us to, but you need to lay off Nascar. Just kidding, I hate Nascar too. --RT

  4. Hey now my mom's a liberal YA'LL!! Actually she's a liberal in the environmental and social sense but not in the fiscal sense, ya know what I mean?

    And yes I've heard you both talk, for the last twenty-something years, you are so southern LOL! But I still luv ya!

    And yes NASCAR sucks. And hey you can adopt me if you adopt my whole family too :) Even my yankee mama.

    :) Jess

  5. Hey Jess, I don't think the T's are ready for this family. Maybe they should first be indoctrinated by watching all three parts of The Godfather???

  6. Oh I think S and R can handle us, they've known me for years. And I'm just a chip off the old block aren't I?


  8. Anonymous10/18/2006

    Girl! You think your family is nuts. You should see Robert's family. They are truly insane. I should have checked his family tree before I married him. I'm almost certain that thing doesn't split. Robert's grandmother, non-affectionately referred to as Na-na, cursed an obscene phone caller out so bad one time he said, "Well, I never!" and hung up on her. That is the clean story! He won't let me tell you any of the really funny stories on here. Maybe I can share a few Saturday;)

    We'll adopt you and your whole family to boot. We'll just all be one big happy nutty family:)--ST