Saturday, October 28, 2006

My life is a sitcom

Now it's true that there have been events in my life related directly to my family which come right out of episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond, Seinfeld, All in the Family, just to name a few. I don't know why my life sometimes turns out like a TV show, it just does.

Today, I damn near pulled a "Debra" which relates directly to an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. In one particular episode, Debra's mother-in-law Marie is searching for a favorite cannister to use for Easter and when she can't find it she insists Debra never gave it back to her after having borrowed it the previous year. Well Debra insists that she gave the cannister back to Marie, to the point where Marie apologizes to Debra for accusing her of not giving it back.

Fast forward (oh you KNOW what's coming right?) Well....later that day Debra finds out one of the kids had stored their crayons in the cannister and had it in their room the whole time. In the meantime, there they are, in the kitchen--Ray and Debra and then Robert, who is like "OH MY GOD" cause he KNOWS what's coming. Debra had made such a big issue of Marie being wrong and now it turns out she wasn't. Well Debra wasn't going to open THAT door with Marie so she decided to throw away the cannister and swore the guys to secrecy. She throws it in the trash can and hours later one of the twin boys walks into the house with the cannister which he had found in the trash. Well Ray and Robert were taking it as a sign but Debra--she was deathly afraid Marie was going to find it. So they devised a plan in which they would sneak it into Marie's house however in the process of doing it, Debra's father in law Frank caught her with the canniseter in her hand. And then he proceeds to tell her "you're gonna get it" in so many words. But because he loves Debra, he yanks it out of her hand just as Marie enters the room and Marie sees is, goes apeshit over it and then Frank proceeds to cover for Debra and tell Marie he wanted to piss her off so he had been hiding it from her. And then they argue and all is well again in the Barone household.

See, most of us women KNOW what would have happened to Debra if Marie had found out she really had it. And so this leads me to today's latest.

My grandmother had a book, an old paperback titled "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" and months ago she asked me if I had it and I immediately replied "of course not" and she insisted I hd to have it and I insisted I never had it. But then after our phone call I kept hinking "shit, that book sounds so familiar, I sure as hell hope I didn't have it and wound up donating it to Friends of the Library with all those other books I sent" but I said to myself "no way, I never had that book" and so I forgot about it because I just figured I didn't have it, what could I do? I knew my grandmother was heartbroken over the loss of her book (at least it seemed that way), I mean you'd think she lost her best friend the way she missed that book.

Somewhere deep down inside, I have a feeling she KNEW I had it somewhere.

Well guess what? A few months ago I was looking for another paperback on my shelf when I came across that book of grams and I said "OH SHIT" I knew I was in so much damn trouble. How on earth was I going to get her this book? I thoguht of sneaking it in, I thought of giving it to her and saying "Oh look what I found at the thrift store--another copy of your book" but something told me that she'd know. Oh yes, grams has this way of just knowing. And I knew that if she found out I'd had the book the whole time, I would NEVER forget it. IN fact she would probably begin asking me for every single item that ever went missing in her house thinking I borrowed it and never returned it. Or in the future, if I ever borrowed anything and really did give it back, she wouldn't be able to find it and would be looking at me as the culprit.

Today I bit the bullet and called grams and said "now before I tell you this, don't get mad" and I proceeded to tell her I found her book and I thought for sure she'd do a "Marie Barone" but she didn't, at least not on the phone. Thank goodness. And when mom and dad came over and I gave them the book, I told them the whole sordid story and while dad didn't quite get it, mom did. I can't tell you how many times mom has borrowed something from grams, usually related to cooking or eating utensils, pans, etc and on most occasions has returned them only for grams to years later asking her if she could have that item back. And if you know you returned something to grams and she insists you didn't you might as well go out and buy it and just give it to her and say "oops yes I did have it" because you are going to lose this one my friend. Oh yes. Sometimes it's worth it not to argue with her.

I still do NOT know how that book got in my house, but I can guarantee you that if I ever borrow anything from her again, when I return it, I will get a receipt for it. Cause I know what's coming if I don't!!


  1. And here's the epilogue of this story. This afternoon when I took your grandmother her books, she saw the copy of "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" and said....." I KNEW she had it!!!!"

    Excuse me while I light up the Charmin.

  2. Oh gee, surprise!!!!

  3. Anonymous10/28/2006

    I'm growing quit fond of your whacky family. Kind of reminds me of mine.--ST

  4. Oh it's so wacky, it borders on insanity!!!