Sunday, December 24, 2006

"Soylent Green is people" and other Christmas musings...

Ahh remember in a recent post I talked of my secret dream of becoming a stand-up and having much material to choose from.

Well I was right, even more than I know.

Tonight's Christmas Eve celebration came and went. The biggest surprise is that I didn't stick to my commitment of watching "A Christmas Story" for 24 hours straight. I mean it's one thing if it would have broken some kind of record and I would have been invited on Fox and Friends but other than that well frankly it would just have been moronic. I mean, I know nearly every line as it is to the point where many times at work I find myself saying "ohhhhhhh fuuuuuuudge" if you know what I mean. The "F" word is as much a part of my vocabulary as "Sons of Bitches...Bumpuses" was to little Ralphie's father...

It was relatively uneventful except for the Christmas Eve dinner at my aunt and uncle's house. This is my mom's sister and brother-in-law. Nice people, I've known my aunt all my life, she's a great person. My uncle is her second husband and they have been married to her for some 21 years now and they live nearby. It's nice for mom because she has her mother next door and her only sister down the road. What could be better?

Lots of rum or in my case butterscotch schnapps for my egg nog. Ok so I'm a lightweight but it does the trick in a pinch!

I went to dinner myself and left DH at home, he preferred it that way and it didn't bother me. Grams was on her best behavior....or was it the Cap'n Morgan? One will never know. Hey there's no law that says you can't drink rum at age 89, actually imagine how many happy holiday dinners there are around the world because of rum.

We all had special assigned seating. I thought to myself "is she kidding" when my aunt was specific that I sit between my mom and grams. I mean hey nothing wrong with that cause after all it gave me a great view across the table of my sister who I had hoped would not want to eat just so mom could coax her into the "mommy's little piggy" scene being that we had mashed potatoes with our dinner and well she's the youngest of my siblings, it's only fitting. Several times the moment was ripe for it but it never happened. Must work on that for next year. I mean wouldn't it be hilarious if my sister or me just dug our face into our potatoes and snorted like a pig.


People are always telling me to be more spontaneous, what a great start. I mean it would leave people talking for years wouldn't it.

We talked a lot at the table, I mentioned that Dh and I were going to see Rocky VI on Christmas Day and then my uncle talks of a movie he saw a while back in which the main character was on the planet Mars and walking through the movie district and there was a sign on the matinee that said Rocky 41. My grandmother kept asking "who went to Mars?" Well I kid you not on this but the entire family spent thirty minutes trying to figure out which movie it is. And sure enough grams was just still wanting to know "who went to Mars?"

My uncle insisted it was Back to the Future and Dad insisted it was something else. We kept trying to figure out which movie and which actor was in it and we got so far off the topic most of us forgot why w were wondering about it in the first place. Eventually it turned out to be the movie "Total Recall"with Arnold Schwarzenegger. What I want to know is how that conversation led us to discussion about "Deliverance" and "Soylent Green?"

In the end, grams asked us again "can someone tell me who went to Mars?"

Ok anyone who lived through the 60's and early 70's HAS to know about Soylent Green right? Well anytime the moment arises where the movie is mentioned I just throw my hand up in the air and pull a Chuckie Heston by screaming "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!" and everyone around begins laughing--that is if they know what I'm talking about. Of course if they don't know what I am talking about they think I'm a lunatic. I'd love to shout it one day in a restaurant, preferable a French restaurant where they serve a lot of shit that you dont' know what it is, usually it's animal parts or something. Just out of the blue I'd scream "SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE."

People are always encouraging me to be spontaneous....this would be a great start.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, look it up. All I can say is that if there's ever a serious world food shortage and your dead loved ones start disappearing, just take notice of the small white squares the government is handing out to you for nutrition.......

And then there was the movie Deliverance. I don't remember how talk turned to that movie but if there's one thing you just don't do is talk of Deliverance at the dinner table. I am quite certain that nearly every person in my immediate family has met at least one person who could have played an extra in that movie.

Of course the talk went downhill after that, we discussed the movie Hostel, which I could still slap my husband for getting on Pay Per View because it SUCKED royally. And then since my cousin saw it, he and I were explaining the plot to everyone and well let's just say that my uncle started to get sick to his stomach. I think it happened when we talked about the people chained in chairs and getting drills stuck through their heads for fun. I suppose you could say that using drills, chainsaws, axes and other tools to do slight damage to people for fun is pretty sick. I'm not sure at what point my uncle began to get disgusted, but we were going on a good ten minutes about it till he was like "enough".

Best part of the dinner besides the food and company was the once-a-year annoying pain in the ass topic of the day. Yep, you can blame me for it. We were talking about reality shows and how most of us don't watch them but I told them I had this insanity for "The Simple Life" and that I had actually sat down and watched several episodes of "Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team". Now at first it seems corny I mean let's face it, I have my doubts about any woman whose lifelong ambition is to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader (I feel the same about the Miss America too if that makes you feel better about me!) but like a bad train wreck I was just drawn to it. Originally I wanted to see if it was the most gorgeous girls who made the team. Yes they are pretty and they have to fit into the uniform because as I kept hearing on the show "the uniform is unforgiving", there's only 35 spots and not all the pretty girls are going to get picked. Well, I had watched many episodes and I had no idea the rigorous training these women had to go through. I mean it's more than athletics, you have to know how to dance and be poised and athletic and frankly most women could not do it. Sure looks play a part but if you are gorgeous and a size 2, and you can't dance, can't put on a spontaneous choreographed routine, can't meet the rigorous athletic requirements, then you aren't going to make the team. Well lots of great women were cut from the final group. Hey they can only take 35 right? So not everyone's going to make it. Well my uncle started in about why I feel sorry for the ones who don't make it. I tried (note the word TRIED) explaining to him that I'd feel for anyone that tried really hard to obtain their goal and didn't make it, whether it be using their brains or using their athletic ability. He started comparing the cheerleaders competitions to when he worked for the phone company. And I said "ok fine, if they had a reality show about people competing to work for the phone company and someone just tried so hard and didn't make it, if I could see their hard work and determination sure I'd feel bad for them".

He wasn't getting it. He kept talking about it being "their choice" and that he doesn't feel sorry for them. I don't feel sorry for them either, but I saw the rigorous training they went through and I had a new respect for it. Granted it pissed me off that one of the best girls trying out was told she had to lose weight when clearly she was thin and in great physical shape.

What my uncle wasn't getting, and not because he didn't understand but because he didn't WANT to understand, was that it took real talent and athletic ability to make the team. Sure you can be in great shape and be gorgeous but if you can't do the dancing and the athletic stuff, you can't be a DCC. Thank God my cousin backed me up because he and his wife got it and they even watched the show too. Man you have to be super in shape and athletic to be competitive for the team, like I said most women couldn't do it. So kudos to those who make the final cut. And then my uncle calls them bimbos. Oy vey, he's so friggin judgmental of people. We explained that many of these women, at least most of them have FULL time jobs or are students. Being a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader doesn't pay enough to live on, it's like what--$100 per game? And every year the veterans have to compete for spots against the newcomers so just because you got it one year doesn't mean you will be around the next year.

It was like talking to a brick wall. I don't know how mom stayed quiet during that whole conversation. I don't know how my auntie felt but I know that my sister, my cousin and his wife agreed with me. I sat there rationally trying to have a conversation with my uncle, and trying to see his point of view but he refused to see mine. And while I like the guy, what irritates me is when I make an effort to see someone else's point of view and they insist I'm wrong or they sit there and insist their point of view is the only one that matters.

I even said "hey I can respect your opinion on this, we can agree to disagree" and he didn't even reciprocate, he made some face and grunted. I fully expected him to say the same thing but the thing with him is that he can't admit that there's another side to an issue, he has not the ability to say that maybe, just maybe there's a perspective different from his own. If he thinks that shows weakness, he is wrong. I think admitting there's another point of view takes great strength. I hope he finds it. I did find that his lack of extending me the same courtesy I gave him in disagreeing BUT respecting his opinion, leads me to believe he doesn't respect my opinion.

Regardless, I let it go because, like the song says, you gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run. I walked away from this one, unscathed because I didn't let his righteous attitude overpower me. See he would have overpowered me and won if I would have given in to his negavitity, his sarcasm, his criticism of others. But I didn't. I walked away completely in tact and unscarred. There was no battle, no need for one. Life is too damned short for me to waste my time trying to convince righteous judgmental people of their shortcomings. I have enough of my own that I deal with, forget trying to help others deal with theirs!

Nonetheless it was a fun day, it really was! I got to spend time with family and eat a great meal and have some good laughs. And when I left, I felt I had thoroughly enjoyed my day.

The end...


  1. Soylent Green is People, and I'm glad that someone else realizes this. It's always a good dinner topic.

  2. Well, that was hysterical... remind me NOT to read your blog anymore while I'm eating lunch, I almost choked to death! I was thinking of sending it to your aunt until I read on.....

  3. Yes it would not be a good idea for her to read it under the circumstances.

  4. Anonymous12/28/2006

    I have no idea what Soylent Green is, but I am assuming I really don't want to know.--ST

  5. It's PEOPLE!!