I talked to RedQueen tonight about some things that were going on in the life of someone I care about. I needed to talk to a friend, a close friend, a girlfriend who is part of our family, and that's RQ. She reassured me that my decision last year to stop trying to be a controlling influence in the lives of people I care about was ok. I am not a controlling person by nature, I just felt at one time I couldn't be happy unless the lives of the people I love were happy too.
I was wrong.
I know I have NO control over anyone's life but my own. Everyone makes choices--that's their right. I might have an opinion about some of these choices but I am not going to take any action to do anything about it, nor worry about it myself.
And so here goes my rant.....by the way thanks RQ for listening and reassuring me that I did the right thing when I decided to let people make their own decisions and run their own lives.
"Go ahead....complain about the crap in your life, about being used and tossed aside like yesterday's news and then when you keep digging yourself deeper and indulging in destructive and downright dangerous behavior, the people who care about you the most, the ones who have ALWAYS been there for you, get the third degree for caring about you. All this while you bend over backwards for the f*cked up psycho who treats you like shit.
What's worse is when the loved one you confide in reacts with as little as a simple "sigh"while they listen to you talk about the future possibility of having the nutjob back in your life someday, said loved one is chastised for being judgmental.
Judgmental-no, opinionated on the issue-yes!
How can someone who cares about you not be in awe at your blatant leap into self-destruction with both eyes WIDE OPEN! Sorry but I don't have it in me to say "oh that's awesome, I think it's great you want to get involved with a psycho bitch again, I'm so happy for you".
It's hard to watch this self-destructive behavior. And what else sucks is that nobody who actually cares about you is allowed to give you any opinion or insight that you don't agree with because God forbid, it might upset you!!!! Nobody's allowed to say anything that might rub you the wrong way. Everybody's always gotta be careful. You're always having a shitty day, always in a bitchy mood and everyone's gotta walk on eggshells so you don't get upset. All they want is to be close to you, love you and be there for you.
All they want is to see you happy.
They wouldn't throw you out of the house.
They wouldn't pull a knife on you.
They wouldn't call the police on you.
They wouldn't treat you like shit.
They wouldn't lie to you.
They wouldn't use you.
They wouldn't shit on you.
They wouldn't hit you or yell at you.
They wouldn't say mean things to you.
It's amazing. Instead of seeking companionship from the people who actually care about you, you'd rather seek it from a psychotic, verbally, emotionally and physically abusive, knife-wielding nut case. God I wish the psycho was reading this, I'd tell her what a f*cking lowlife piece of human excrement and waste of space she really is. She ruined you. She used you, she shit on you, she hurt you. And that pisses me off. It's a real shame she hasn't had her sorry ass thrown in jail for something by now. She deserves it.
You're a truly wonderful person but I don't think you see it. I don't think you ever have. And the only way you will is to look in the mirror and tell yourself, and to surround yourself with people who lift you up and add something positive to your life. Dump the people who don't mean shit to you, the people who abuse you, the people who treat you like shit, starting with psycho bitch. Maybe someday you will. But as long as you are near the psycho you won't. She will drag you down into the bottomless pit of pathetic despair that she lives in. May you have the courage to find your strength and may you have the strength to find your courage...
Yes I know you care about her, but I don't. And the beauty of this blog is that it gives me the chance to say these things. I won't apologize either, I mean every word of it."