Wednesday, July 08, 2009

I am thoroughly convinced...

...that there's this chip embedded in men that totally and completely makes them oblivious to certain things. After talking to the RedQueen the other day I am fairly certain of it. It's either a chip inserted by their mothers to make sure that for the rest of their adults lives, their sons drive mad the women they marry OR it's in their DNA, which is just plain scary.

And can I say that loading the dishwasher and turning the dial to "start" and doing the laundry do not make up for the bad behavior LOL!

I can't recall which day it was exactly that I ranted on about DH dragging dirt into the house on his shoes and then conveniently not seeing it and then once realizing it did not volunteer to clean it up either. But why clean it up when I'm there? After all, I'm already pre-programmed to go from Zero to vacuum in less than 2.5 seconds. I can whip that baby out and clean up 1550 SF of carpet in record time.

But...I'm telling you that thing in their head that says--or is supposed to scream "red alert! red alert! you have done this before and you are about to do it again and if you do your wife is going to be really pissed off" alarm just didn't go off! And so it was at least three times in one day, in about a 2 hour period that I took out the Hoover Windtunnel and vacuumed the entire house starting at the back door (surprise!). I mean how do you think that trail of dirt got into the house? The cats didn't open the back door and soil their little paws and drag it all through the house.

And I sure as hell didn't do it.

And while we're on the subject---bringing home strawberry ice cream doesn't make up for it either especially when I uh---insisted there should be NO dessert in the house while I---er--we are trying to lose weight.

I still do not get what is so difficult about the shoe wiping thing. And the darndest thing is that there are many times he really is sorry for doing it, he thinks he cleaned his shoes off but well, he missed some. And he's so truly sorry for it, how can you beat the crap out of him? I mean when he puts that cute face on it's like "oh shit, he looks so pathetic" and you just don't want to harm him LOL .

6 comments:

  1. Anonymous7/10/2009

    It's definitely DNA. I married one and gave birth to one. Imagine the horror of realizing your very own offspring is stuck on stupid too:)~ST

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  2. ROFL like father like son eh? So I come home today and the kitchen floor had dirt all over it, the carpets had dirt tracked in, and there was dried egg all over the stove and the counters had crumbs and shit. WTF? LOL

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  3. Anonymous7/12/2009

    This sucks! I wrote this long thoughtful and incredibly insightful essay and it got lost. Damn. I'll try again tomorrow. All I can say for now is that you are right. Men are not very thoughtful.

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  4. I feel bad saying this because Dad is gone now and cannot defend himself, but do you know how many times he would be working outside, early in the mornings when the ground was all wet, or during a rainy day, and would come in for lunch or potty break and leave a nice little path of mud or dirt from the front/back doors to wherever he wound up in the house? If I had a penny for each time, I'd be a rich woman now, I mean REALLY rich. But now I feel so bad about nagging him all those times, because he didn't do it on purpose, and used to say, "Well, when I'm dead, you won't have the mess anymore." Man, do I feel bad.

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  5. Such a universal complaint certainly warrants further research. A recent study of woman to woman conversation among wives has shown that nearly 90% of all discourse is devoted to complaints about the thoughtlessness of men, specifically husbands, and their lack of appreciation for their wives. (The other 10% is devoted to weight, work complaints, fantasizing elaborate revenge plots, and recipe exchanges.) If masculine lack of consideration is so widespread, how can women possibly hope to alter the undesirable behavior patterns and achieve the elusive “happy” marriage? If we assume that helping men learn more thoughtful behavior will result in a better relationship for both spouses, then the next step is determining an achievable approach to the problem.

    What do we know about the origins of Masculine Thoughtlessness (MT)? Is it, as Jess has suggested, techno-biological in nature? Are male OB/GYNs implanting a chip in our boy babies, thereby rendering them incapable of becoming considerate? Or is it nurture, as suggested by ST? Do fathers deliberately train their sons to follow in their footsteps? “Now watch this, Boy…”
    Does it matter how this happens? Knowing that “they can’t help it” will only make us feel sorry for them and continue putting up with the inappropriate behavior. Ladies, let’s skip the “why” and move directly to “how”.

    As a student of psychology, an observer of interpersonal interactions, a board certified mental health counselor, and the owner of a small, unruly dog, I have reached this conclusion: Men are like puppies. Their bad behavior has nothing to do with us or our hard work. It has to do with the way they see the world – in terms of themselves. When my puppy starts barking at 5:30 am, he is not thinking, “Gee, RQ might need a little more sleep time,” he is only thinking, “Hey, I’m up and awake and I want her to come get me.” When he drinks out of the toilet (ewww) he is not thinking, “Hey, she just cleaned this bathroom and I’ve messed it up.” He is thinking, “Hey, free water! Cool!” When he tracks in dirt on my clean floor, he in only thinking, “Cat…must chase Cat!” Men function in just the same way, although their thought processes might not be so complex.

    Classical conditioning is a simple, cost effective way to achieve the Perfect Husband in 14 days or less. Pavlov showed us that he could make dogs drool simply by ringing a bell. Our doggie class trainer taught us that we can get our dog to obey if we give him treats. So, if husbands are rewarded for good behavior, classical conditioning tells us that they will repeat the good behaviors again in order to get the reward.

    A WARNING TO WIVES: Choose rewards carefully, with full knowledge that you must be consistent.

    Only in cases of serious resistance to positive rewards should negative punishment be used. In the case of the severely recalcitrant husband, one might again consider basic dog training strategies. A useful tool is the Pet Safe Large Dog Remote Trainer. http://www.amazon.com/PetSafe-Comfort-Fit-Big-Remote-Trainer/dp/B000BNUEJ8 . Available online at a reasonable price, the Remote Trainer issues a warning tone that can be followed by a static correction, if needed. You select the intensity of the jolt – er, I mean, correction. In no time at all, your husband will respond to the warning tone alone. Pair this with a gentle but firm voice command, and you’ll have the Perfect Husband in less than 2 weeks.

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  6. OMG if that isn't the "mutha" of all blog comments! LOL

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