Monday, March 15, 2010

Have you ever felt lost? So lost that you don't think you will ever find your way back?

I've felt that way for days now. Only today did the sun begin to shine. But it was hard getting there.

At first I thought it had something to do with the one year anniversary of dad's death on March 11th. That week was hard, the 9th was the last day I ever had a conversation with him, the 10th he went into the hospital, the 11th he died and on the 12th we buried him. I had a doctor's appointment on the 10th and cried my way through it. My doctor's office is next to the hospital and I wanted to badly to go over there and thank all the people who were so kind to my dad and to us. But in the end I just couldn't go. I made it through my appointment, went home and felt pretty good.

But something happened Friday. It was the end of an extremely dead spring break week and something clicked in me that day. I don't know what it was or exactly when it happened but I started to feel severely depressed, I mean severely. I felt desolate, lonely, tired, scared, and absolutely lost. I felt I had no goals and nothing to look forward to in life. The only thing I didn't feel was suicidal. I have too many people who care about me, I value my life, and I believe suicide is a sin. God gave us one life, we have to live it as best we can, to take it because we're sad? Angry? Lonely? It's wrong. The way I see it you have to be sad sometimes to appreciate being happy.

Anyway, I just didn't know where to turn or what to do. I didn't know exactly WHY I was depressed so I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I distanced myself from everyone. I just felt so bad, I didn't want to go through the whole thing with them, they all have enough problems of their own. Even my closest friends Deb, Jeanette, Susan, and Diana, I didn't tell them anything. How could I? Would they understand? Have they ever felt this way?

I wish I could explain the emptiness where someone who had never been there could understand. It's like this dark deep well that you fall into and can't get out of. It's so scary to be there because you wonder if you will ever find your way out. I ask myself "will I feel like this forever?" and I know that it's a phase, and I will get through it, but oh my goodness I had to keep telling myself that over and over again saying life is good, life is good, be strong.

I didn't want to ever go back to work. I said to my husband, "I am tired of solving other people's problems, what about mine??" I really like my job and I'm damn good at it. Most of the time I'm solving problems and after awhile you just burn out on solving other people's problems. Meanwhile I just sweep mine under the rug. Till it builds up and I can't take it anymore.

I spent three days feeling that way. This morning getting ready for work it was a little better. I went to work with intentions of getting a lot done, which I did. I didn't go to class, but it was planned, I just didn't have the heart to sit in class today, to be around too many people. Usually I enjoy the walk over to Flint Hall and back but I just didn't want to be around too many people. So I did my work, solved problems like I usually do but I stayed away from most people, barely saying hello to the guys I work with. It was a friend's birthday, we work together but I just didn't have the "heart" to wish him Happy Birthday in person so I sent him an email, just so he would know I didn't forget. He always remembers my birthday, I felt bad afterwards that I didn't just smile and wish him a Happy day.

I wish I could figure out the dreams. I have the strangest most vivid dreams of anyone I've ever known in my entire life. Trust me, I've got you beat. I dream a lot about the same things, my car, living at my parents house (making lunches for me, bro and sis to take to work), being late for work (never am I late for work in real life!), an addition on my parents house (that my dad never built yet I dream about one), not being able to find my car at my old high school, things like that. It's just the same things over and over again. Different dreams with the same recurring themes. Drives me crazy.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Time to go to bed. I enjoy my sleep time because it's the one time that it's really and truly ok to just forget about all that is real.

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