Every day I go through life merely going through the motions of actually living. I think that is because that's what life is all about, just going through the motions. I doubt many actually "live" like we're supposed to live, you know, not being afraid to take chances, betting everything on a sure thing, that sort of behavior just doesn't seem what life is supposed to be about. Or is it?
I don't know if what I do every day is "living" or just going through the motions. Maybe it is and I just didn't realize it. I'm sure millions of people resign themselves to a routine existence, doing the same exact things day after day, figuring one day they're number will be called and that's it. I'm sure they have people telling them "you can break out of it, do something different, have some fun" but the thing is, they don't know how or they don't want to because the status quo is safe. Change sucks and you can't convince me any different.
I could do things differently. I could go fishing, boating, to art festivals, museums, bike rids, out to have a few beers with friends, a karaoke bar, take a day trip....but the thing is, I don't want to. I didn't want to do it ten years ago and I don't want to do it now. Once I was young, but I am no longer. No, forty isn't old, but I'm not the same Jess I was when I was 20. I was carefree then, and you cannot go back to the way things used to be, I don't care how much you want to, you can't. It's never the same.
Me? I like being in my own safe little world where I can be me and nobody else. I have my own little world and I like it, except sometimes I wish it was just me I had to worry about. You see, when you have people in your life you care about, with that comes worry and concern. I don't mind being either, it's just that when you care about people, you "feel" and by that I mean you love as much as you hate, you are happy as much as you are angry, you feel pain as much as you inflict it. When you care about others, you have to feel, there's no way around it. And there are times it's going be stressful, it's going to hurt and it's going to make you angry. And we're humans, naturally we want to avoid pain, but we cant. Hiding from the world doesn't avoid pain, it just makes it worse. There's no way you can live your life completely all for yourself if there's even one other person in it you care about. Of course I think it's good to care about people, I don't think man or woman can truly live alone, without the company of others, it's not normal. We're not the type of creatures which can tolerate isolation for long periods of time.
Let's see, my friends who read this are going to have any number of suggestions. They're thinking I have no purpose or I feel lost. Well WHO doesn't? l Some will suggest becoming a Christian because of course life isn't about what I want, it's about serving God. And don't get me wrong, while I appreciate that, it isn't my time yet for that. If it's meant to be, it will be. Other friends will probably suggest therapy. Now that's a good idea. And still some others will suggest dipping my toes into the water gently a little at a time to get used to doing things differently. I'm not ready to do that yet. I'm just NOT!
To be honest I'll tell you a secret. I'm a bit overly judgmental of myself and my own worst critic. I do not completely like myself. I am not sure if that's good or bad. I mean I don't hate myself or my life. What I am saying is I am not the person I thought I could be. I can still be that person, if only I can figure out how to get there.
They say that how you feel about yourself rubs off on others. I am not sure. Would love to ask some folks who know me well if they see me as insecure and frightened as I see myself.
Another secret of mine--I try not to let too many people get too close to me, I don't like having to open up my entire life story to more than a few people but even then no one person has the whole story, not even the few people closest to me in my life. But several folks know parts of my story, but no one individual in the entire world knows it all. If you let down your guard and let any one person know who you really are and what you are all about, that's it, you don't own it anymore, it belongs to someone else. No way is someone else going to own a piece of my life, much less all of it. At least when I own the whole story, then it's still all mine. And don't worry, if you put all my friends and family in a room and they each matched up what they know about me, there's still enough missing pieces where they will never have it completely figured out. And I am the kind of person who cannot let any one person have the whole story. That will never happen. That's just me and those who care about me just have to learn to deal with me being this way.
More later :)