Monday, May 03, 2010

I miss my dad. I called him "paypay" for the longest time. That nickname began on a day I was driving home from work on CR 232 and passed this cute little house with one of those personalized street signs on this guy's driveway that said "Pa Pa's Far Away Place" and that stuck with me. I got home and started calling dad "pay pay" and it stuck. There I was in my 20s calling my dad "pay pay" and of course he always called me my childhood nickname, "Gaga."

Today I called dad's cell phone which mom now uses, we asked her to leave his outgoing voice mail message on there so we could call occasionally to hear his voice. I called today from the car and when I heard his voice I wanted to cry. Vin was in the store at the time, I was in the car waiting for him. When I began to cry I saw him on his way to the car and quickly regained my composure. I know there's nothing I can do to bring pa back but damnit it wasn't fair that we were robbed of him when he was only 62. And I do get mad at him. Sometimes I yell at him then I cry for feeling sad over yelling at him. Who knows? Maybe if he'd taken better care of himself he still would have died at 62?

I just know I dream about him all the time and in my dreams, he comes back from being gone somewhere for a long time. And I'm thinking he's supposed to be dead, but no, he managed to get out of the hospital and stick around just a little longer, it's so weird.

If there was one person on this earth I thought would always be here, it was dad. Without him there's just this big open empty space. When we get together at mom's house it's still not the same. Mom knows it, we all know it. Life has to go on, we all are aware of that fact, but there's a big gaping hole that can never be filled. The loss is going to be there for the rest of my life, all our lives and not a damn thing can change that. In my life I have never felt a loss such as this, a loss so deep and profound, so sad, so devastating.

I guess there comes a time in every person's life when we come upon that one moment when we suddenly realize we can truly "never go back" to the way things once were, to a more innocent time, to the old days when life was simple, kind, and good, when we were protected, when we were carefree, young, and invincible, and the world was full of wonder. That one single instantaneous moment in life separates what once was from what now is. For me it is no different. And so it goes....

1 comment:

  1. My dad passed away 11 years ago. We weren't that close (long story with no bad guy), but I took care of him in his final months. And when he died I felt sad for what I didn't have, wouldn't ever have. I imagine you feel even deeper for what you can't have any longer. It is a different life for you now. That's hard. Give yourself time. That hole can be filled again, differently for sure, but with happiness. It will happen. That's what holes are for.