Friday, July 30, 2010

Being human.

I didn't always stick to my convictions, in fact for a long time I was afraid to. For a long time I was afraid of being me. There was a time I was afraid to just be me because I wanted to be liked. Yeah I know, why wouldn't people like me? Well some people just spend a great part of their lives wondering why others don't like them, when really, the problem is more of an inner thing.

One of the many life lessons I've learned is that the only opinion of you that matters is the one you have of yourself. So, before I could get anyone to like me, I had to like myself. I'm not sure why I didn't like myself, maybe because I didn't think I was good enough. Good enough for what? I don't know. I just know I felt I had to be better. But what was better? I have no idea. I thought about how I could reinvent myself when in the end it turned out I couldn't reinvent something I knew nothing about. If you don't know who you are, how do you know what needs to be changed or what is just fine the way it is?

I don't know when it happened but one day I just became "me". That doesn't mean I like everything about myself, I still struggle with that every day. I struggle with changes I need to make and the obstacles I tend to throw in my way subconsciously sabotaging myself. But while I'm trying to overcome the struggles I can say that I like who I am. I know I am a kind, compassionate person who cares about others. I know I try to help when I can and I don't like to see other people hurt. Most of all I don't like to hurt others and I feel bad if I do. I think I'm a good person. And in this life I tend to judge people in two categories, good and bad. There are people who are bad, very bad, consciously bad. And then there are people who though they have faults, are good people. I think most people are good. Call me crazy, that's fine. But I choose to believe that people are inherently good and that there are two kinds of bad, the first being people who are good who, because of personal experience, environmental or other factors have turned to the dark side and the second being people who just have some screwed up genetic code which inhibits any good from being exposed. One can change, the other can't. The way I see it, everyone is born "good" but something happens to change them.

Anyway, I know I got off track but part of who I am is trying to give others the benefit of the doubt, believing their story until they prove me wrong. I try not to be cynical though it pops up from time to time. I try not to be critical but that too pops up from time to time. Those traits I have learned, have been instilled in me due to environmental factors--people I hang around. There's a few people close to be who are cynical at times, thus it rubs off on me. By nature I am not nor have I ever been that way. Ask my mom, she'll tell you.

I'd like to think that someday when I'm dead and gone, I'll be remembered. I used to think I needed to be remembered for some great big thing I'd done in my life, some big accomplishment the world would remember. I think that I needed that because I figured the only way I would make an impact was to do something so incredibly BIG nobody could forget. And then I realized the biggest impact you can make really comes in the smallest ways. The things we do every single day, the little things, that's what people remember. People don't care about your "one big accomplishment" they care about your life, the way you touched others, the way you cared. And so, I'd like to think that if I've learned anything in this life, it's that everybody has a story, everybody matters. I matter.

And it's because I matter that I have to stick to my convictions. I have to be me. To be anyone else would be a waste of my life, a lie. Who wants to live a lie? What's the point? Exactly, there is no point and so even if I have to go through life disliked by some people for whatever reason, it's still better than going through life being disliked by the most important person, me.


  1. Good for you, Jess. I'm still working on that, too. I try to remember EVERYONE has a 'preciousness' deep inside (some deeper than others :-) ) and I'm trying not to judge, which is really difficult for me. I think when we're hard on ourselves, we tend to judge others too harshly, too, and, as you are doing, as you're becoming easier on yourself, liking yourself more and more (our parents contribute to those sometimes negative ways we feel about ourselves no matter how hard they tried to be great parents and were!), then I THINK we tend to be less judgmental of others. Make sense?
    That 'preciousness' I try to remember that's in EVERYONE, put there by God, is something that helps me a lot.....the other stuff , their barricades, their protection against being hurt, etc., are all on the outside and it's helpful to remember what's on the inside.
    Thanks...sorry to go on and on, but this is a subject I've given a lot of thought to lately so I really enjoyed reading your thoughts xxx Thanks for coming by geeez, honey. xx

  2. You know yourself so well, and I can relate to much of what you've said. At one time I was having the same feelings and it took me many years before I realized that, to be liked or not to be liked, I had to be myself. You've found this out now and have saved yourself many years of anxiety. You'll think I'm saying this because I'm your Mom, but honestly, you're one of the most "together" people I know.

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  4. I don't like being human at all, but the alternative isn't so great either.