Tuesday, December 21, 2010

As I get older, I look back on some of the interesting lessons I've learned in life...

Here's just a few of them:
  • Giving a teenager a beebee gun and saying "don't do anything stupid" is like dropping an alcoholic off at a bar and saying "now don't drink anything while I'm gone ok?"
  • Contrary to popular belief, beebees do not bounce off plate glass windows. And oh by the way, glass shatters. :D
  • Never start a story with "Back in St. Olaf..."
  • Never leave a musical instrument, even a rather large white one such as a tuba, sitting in the middle of the driveway. Cars are heavier than musical instruments. 'Nuff said!
  • It is very likely that wearing a dress on the same day as your underwear with the bad elastic is probably not the best idea. 
  • When your dad says, "grab the electric fence" to test if it works, he doesn't actually mean it. 
  • "Be careful the plate is hot" doesn't mean the first thing you do is touch the plate.
  • When a 93 year old woman tells you her jet black hair is real, it's a dye job. No matter what she says.
  • Your mother always hears you when you nutter under your breath. 
  • If you're going to run away from home, make it good. Pack a duffel bag, go cross country, don't just go across the street to the neighbor's house for cookies. That's just lame!
  • Most domesticated animals really don't think they look cute dressed up in your clothes. Actually non-domesticated animals would probably agree.
  • As a kid, you could literally do anything you wanted around your grandparents.
  • Your parents hated that when you were a kid, you did anything you wanted around your grandparents!
  • When your mother says, "I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap" she means it!
  • Eating spaghetti after having your mouth washed out with soap....well let's just say soap is not a great choice of appetizer and leave it at that.
  • Teenagers: never show your dad your fake ID and say "cool, eh pop?"
  • Never call your fourth grade teacher a "red headed witch" to her face. Do it behind her back!
  • Getting paddled regularly in school is not a rite of passage.
  • By the way, that lady you gave the finger to in traffic today after she pulled out in front of you and nearly caused a wreck...she's your Commanding Officer's wife.
  • Cemeteries really aren't the best places to meet people. 
  • Contrary to popular belief, animals are not people too.
  • When you're telling a joke that starts with "A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a whorehouse..." be sure the guy you're telling it to is not the pastor of the local Baptist church. 
  • "Shady Pines, Ma" gets her quiet every time! 
  •  If you don't call your mother at least once a week, you'll never hear the end of it.
  • A penny for your thoughts doesn't buy much anymore. Inflation, you know.
  • It is quite certain that there's a guilt gene handed down from Jewish grandmothers to their daughters and granddaughters. 
  • When it comes to movie sequels, the "third time" is not the charm!
  • Gay men cannot be turned straight. No matter how hard you try.
  • Even the popular girls in high school had problems too. No really, they did!
  • Sushi is gross.
  • It really is impossible to travel from Atlanta, Georgia to Texarkana, Texas and back with 400 cases of Coors in 28 hours.
  • Little sisters are adorable, that is until they become ruthless teenage bitches.
  • Warning: Drinking too many screwdrivers (the DRINK silly!) can make you puke. Volumes!
  • If you preface a secret to a friend with, "now don't tell anyone, ok?" maybe it means she's probably not the best choice for secrets?
  • "The Devil Made Me Do it" ....not the best excuse to use with the cops.
  • Even though "the other guy" breaks the law 20 times a day and doesn't get busted, the person who never breaks it, will get busted the first time. Guaranteed!
  • If you're going to be arrested, at least plan it for a day when your hair and makeup look really good. You only get one chance to take a great mugshot! Make it count!

2 comments:

  1. THIS NEEDS TO GO IN A BOOK!

    ReplyDelete
  2. ROFL Glad you like it mom. It's all MY creation!!!

    ReplyDelete