Thursday, December 30, 2010

Everyone gets down at one moment or another, it's part of life. We feel happiness, we feel sadness, sometimes we don't feel anything. Life isn't meant to be all good all the time. When I get into these moods, they're hard to shake. I just need some time alone, not talking to anyone, just thinking, maybe sometimes not thinking. I hate these moods but I can't help them. They hit me like a ton of bricks and I can't do a damn thing about it. I just have to figure things out and try and get past it.

I do a lot of thinking, sometimes too much of it. I can get into these serious moods where I want to block everyone and everything out so I can concentrate on my thoughts. I can't blame anyone else for the inner thoughts I have about not being content with my life at this moment. I could lay blame all over the place but I'd be a hypocrite. We are all responsible for the choices we make and that goes for me too. Ok so I am responsible, I take responsibility, congratulations Jess, now what in hell do you plan to do about it? 

That's a good question.

For me, change is hard. I've always had a difficult time adapting to new things. I've always been afraid of "what if?" and I've always been afraid of making mistakes. Over the years I've gotten more vocal about my opinions and ideas especially when they are at odds with the mainstream. I've stood up for myself when I felt like someone was trying to get the best of me. I've taken chances and been successful in some ways, and not so in others. But in all the changes over the years, I still have a long way to go. I want to change, I need to change. What kind of change you ask?  I am not quite sure. If I knew, I wouldn't be blogging it, I'd be doing it. All I can say is I am not content with the direction of my life. Funny thing is a lot of people think I have it all together. Well I guess I do but when I feel this discontent I suddenly wonder if it means I don't really have it all together? 

I am seriously beginning to think that the changes I'm going through are either a cause or effect of the really vivid dreams I'm having lately. In the dreams. Either the dreams are making me want and need the change, or the want and need for change is causing the dreams. It's no wonder I like to go to sleep at night, my thoughts can wander and I can slip into dreamland, where nothing is real but at least I can relax. 

All I know is that every day I'm trying to find myself and I'm not finding me, at least not the me I thought I'd find. And so I'm just going to keep searching.  I know, you'll tell me "just be content with what you have, quit searching and just let it be" but no, I can't do that. It's just not me. If I feel this way, there's a reason. I have to explore it, understand it and deal with it.  I just wonder what it will take to figure this out and when I do (and trust me I will), what will be my next step?

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