Thursday, February 17, 2011

I'm still here...

So far the midlife crisis is evolving and I'm still here. I haven't done anything drastic though my behavior has changed slightly, enough for me to notice, maybe others. Something interesting that comes to mind is that my sense of guilt seems to have eroded dramatically.

Now, in my family there's this overwhelming sense of guilt that we grew up with, it's just a personality trait inherited from generations of women from both the European Jew side and the Western European Italian side. For generations, the women in my family have been experts at passing along the guilt complex without ever coming out and saying "hey I'm passing this annoying trait on to you, have fun!" ---no---they just passed it on without warning. I had a guilt complex for years. If I didn't call my parents or my grandparents, if I didn't do things the way someone wanted, if I said something that was taken the wrong way, I'd always apologize and come to my senses admitting guilt even if I wasn't guilty of anything. Now, I don't do that. It's not like I'm unfeeling or unemotional, or that I don't care. Well maybe part of me doesn't care but I can't tell you why I feel like that as I don't know myself.

Another thing that has appeared lately is my being selfish. By nature I am not a selfish person but I've always been one to put everyone else first and one day I just woke up and decided that nobody is going to look out for me like I will. That's when it hit me that I need to focus on me first. It doesn't mean I don't care about others, but I suppose now I am making up for lost time. I told someone the other day "you have to live for yourself first, you have to do what you want first"  so I guess that's what I'm doing.

I suppose all of this is the process of taking control of my life. I wonder how different the new me will be from the old me. I've a feeling that when all is said and done I'll still be me, just a better me, the me I want to be. 

1 comment:

  1. I'm so happy you realized all this now, instead of when you turn 64.