Friday, February 04, 2011

Tale of a midlife crisis...

I'm completely convinced that I am facing a midlife crisis head-on and that's alright with me because I openly admit and acknowledge it. I've read that denying a midlife crisis can be unhealthy and fortunately for me, denial is not appealing to me. I prefer to just admit early if I am facing some kind of unusual situation, this way it's out in the open, there are no secrets and I don't have to play games trying to hide it. For over a year I've been wondering what in hell I'm dealing with here and finally after sitting back and thinking about it seriously on more than one occasion, and of course doing my research, I'm convinced this is it and I am prepared to deal with it.

There's no specific age a person deals with a midlife crisis, but generally it happens in one's 40's or 50's, if it happens at all. At 41, I think it's reasonable to believe that's what I'm going through and I would imagine the reason it takes place during that particular time of life is because there's enough life experiences, both good and bad, to stir the need for change in some people. Some people have affairs, some buy new expensive cars, some take trips around the world. Some people take it to the extreme but that's not for me. My way of dealing with things for the most part is generally more subtle, up to now anyway. I've read that midlife crises can be triggered by any number of things and I can't say exactly what triggered mine. Everyone deals with life differently, the key here being that we do deal with it, rationally anyway.  Having acknowledged my own situation eases a huge burden. I don't have anything to hide or be ashamed of, after all it's life.We're dealt a hand and it's up to us how we play it.

The experts believe a midlife crisis is an attempt to sort out one's inner conflicts. I believe that's true. My personality is balanced, sometimes I go with feeling, sometimes logic. Sometimes it's an extreme battle of of wills between the two and so far the score is pretty even. Right now the battle isn't in full gear yet, but it's there. It's about doing what your mind believes is the logical thing to do vs. your need to do what you feel is the right thing to do. I am attempting to resolve inner conflicts but not knowing how or where to begin. I just know that they are there and I need to deal with the desire for change.  It is said the process of change starts before one even realizes it and that I would say is true. This began long before I even realized it.

I am not sure when the realization of the need for change hit me but I think it was over a year ago. I knew something was different. I sensed I was not happy with the direction my life was headed.  I don't necessarily want to be a different person, I just want to be a better person, living up to my potential and making the most of the life I've been given. To be honest there are many times I do not feel I am meeting that challenge. I have the ability, as anyone who knows me would attest to, but I am just not doing it, perhaps out of fear. For some people fear is a motivator, for others it is a hindrance. For me, it's been the latter. The fear of taking chances and the possibility of failure can be enough to cause a person to put up a shield and watch from the sidelines. Oh I'm good at telling other people to live and I'm a great giver of advice but in the end I protect myself from doing what I tell others they should do. I'm not trying to be hypocrite, it's just easier to dispense advice to others and live vicariously through them, than actually throw myself out there and live it myself.  The comfort zone I've eased myself into all these years is nice but I think it's outlived its purpose.  There's a time and place for the comfort zone but it doesn't have to be there all the time.

I don't have a bucket list of things I'd like to do before I die and I can't tell you how this need for change came about or how it will progress, but rest assured that I feel it's a good thing. However this metamorphosis began, it has to be followed through to its conclusion. There's a road to be traveled, a journey that must take place and knowing that change is inevitable, I'm just going to enjoy the ride.

Don't worry though, I am most certainly in the driver's seat this time.

1 comment:

  1. You're very much in control of this, and it will be interesting for me to see where it eventually takes you.

    For me, it came in the 80's. I never found out what it was I wanted.

    "The fear of taking chances and the possibility of failure can be enough to cause a person to put up a shield and watch from the sidelines." Yep, that's me. Thank you for putting into words what I was never able to do.