Sunday, July 31, 2011

Confession: I'm D.B. Cooper!

Yes you heard it right, it's me. It was reported today the FBI has a new lead and I figured I better come clean before I run. I hate to run, I've got a good thing going here but being caught would really suck, especially since I've been so good at outfoxing the authorities for so long.

It was Thanksgiving Eve some 40 years ago. I was just shy of 2 years old but I was pretty mature for my age. I told my parents I wasn't feeling well and wanted to go to bed early. I had secretly drugged my parents and siblings earlier that evening so that they would not wake up until very late the next day, then I tucked myself in and waited till everyone had gone to sleep before I packed my gear and put my plan into action. I hopped a night flight west then hijacked an airplane, extorted a crap load of money from the airline and then I bailed out over a forest in Washington State. Let me just say that was NOT an easy job to do, not for a 2-year old anyway. I was rather small and didn't weigh much and my parachute had me flying all over the place. Eventually I landed near my predetermined drop zone. I made my way back to Miami on the red eye without ever being noticed and hopped back into my bed before anyone knew what hit them. My parents and siblings woke up groggy and nobody knew I had been gone. The loot was secretly stashed away.

For the next 40 years I had to play its safe though I'm not sure why. Everyone thought D.B. Cooper was a man but that was not true. I just cut my hair short, sported sunglasses and men's clothing to make it look like I was a man. Seriously, I had a great disguise. Nobody would have known it was a girl. And to prove it I'm going to show you.

First, here is a composite drawing of D.B. Cooper


Now, here's a picture of me about that time. Note the short brown hair, the brown eyes, the shifty grin. Yeah I had everyone fooled!

The funny thing is I stashed the money away forty years ago and it was so well hidden but now I can't remember where I put it so really, I've got nothing. All that work, forty years on the run and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. Seriously, do you think it's easy for a 2-year old to concoct such a brilliant scheme? I spent months planning that hijack. I did my homework, yes I did. All those times mom and dad thought I was in my room reading "I am Sam" books, I was really reading maps and sketching the details.

Been there, done that and I didn't even get a lousy tee-shirt out of it!

By the way, I'll be happy to sign autographs for you on request for a nominal fee and I'm currently working on a feature film about my exploits. Now...who can I get to play me?????

1 comment:

  1. Candace8/01/2011

    Ha ha ha dude now that was funny